Fit

As oceans rise and fall,

So do my emotions,

My identity ebbing and flowing,

Not knowing what part of me is truly me

And what part of me is programming.

The mirror of shame and under achievement 

Masking the deeper fear of failure.

Failure to provide for my parents. 

Failure of living up to my own unbelievably high standards. 

Taller than any oak tree.

Internally I hear the roots,

The bark,

The trunk

Give way to snaps, cracks and wavers,

Terrified it’s all about to come crashing down

Rudely. 

Unearthing my deepest fear.

I am not worthy. 

As I sit and feel the weight of letting that thought go…

I feel my entire body ease. 

I am every contradiction.

And why not?

It has always been me. 

The twisted, layered, cross-connected web

Of who I am

Breathes in this knowing

That I don’t fit everywhere

And yet, 

I yearn to find my community.

My tribe.